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NEWS ALERT: President Trump Farts!

CNN Anchor: Good evening, I’m Anderson Cooper. We have breaking news this evening concerning a meeting that President Trump had with congressional leaders earlier this afternoon.  According to a reliable source who has a friend who says he knows someone who might have attended the meeting, during the meeting, the president let go an audible fart.  For more on the story let’s go to our Washington correspondent, Dana Bash.

Bash: Yes, Anderson, by all accounts the story could be true.  It was about 3:00 in the afternoon when the fart occurred.  At this time we are not sure who was speaking or what was being discussed but we do assume that the fart was loud enough for everyone in attendance to hear it.  We caught up with Congressman Al Green who wasn’t at the meeting but knows a person who was and we asked him about the fart.

Al Green: Yes, I heard about the flatulation from a friend. I’m not sure if he was actually at the meeting or knew someone who was, but he said positively that the fart occurred.  I can’t really speculate at this time what impact this had on the meeting but I’m sure it was a significant disruption and that might have been the intention.  But whatever it was, this kind of behavior from a president is unacceptable and is a further indication that this president is a loose canon.

Bash: So, the question is, was the fart intentional or just a slip?  At this time, we don’t know, but one thing is for sure: if it was just a slip, it certainly came at an opportune time. If it was meant to disrupt the meeting, it achieved its purpose.  Back to you in the studio.

Anderson: We have invited several guests to help us better understand what the president might have been saying with the fart if it turns out to have been intentional, which at this time seems to have been the case. In the studio we have Nancy Pelosi, James Comey…

Comey: I used to be the director of the FBI.

Anderson: Thank you, James. We also have the president’s former personal physician; Berney Sanders, Newt Gingrich, Dem. Adam Schiff, Speaker Paul Ryan, and Fmr. Communications Director, Anthony Scaramucci. Let me begin with Ms. Pelosi. What is your take on this situation?

Pelosi: Well, as to the question of intentionality, I think there is no question.  As a very feminine female I’m against farting as are the majority of Democrats. Certainly, the fart was intentional.  There were representatives at the meeting from the Democratic Party and I think there can be little doubt that it was another one of the president’s commentaries on how he feels about democrats.  He’s made himself clear throughout his time in office and this fart just reinforces the pungent air of disdain.

Gingrich: I have to disagree.  The fart affected representatives on both sides of the aisle.  If it was intentional, which is still up in the air, it was probably a bilateral comment on what was being discussed.  If it was a discussion on the Russian probe then the president was more than likely expressing his opinion of Putin.

Adam Schiff: Or Meuller.  We can’t discount that that is a possibility. If the discussion was on the Russian probe then the president might have been coached by one of Russia’s spies that if the discussions got too close to the truth then he should fart as a way of disrupting and changing the focus of the discussion.

Anderson: That is a possibility. That would mean further collusion.

Speaker Ryan: Now wait a minute, I think you are all grabbing at straws.  We can’t say for sure that it wasn’t a natural function.  I mean, people do fart, you know.  I’m certain that almost all of our previous presidents have farted at one time or another. I’m just not certain that this situation smells of controversy.

Anderson: Of course, they have, but during a meeting with congressional leaders? And so audible?  If we’re talking about collusion let’s ask that question to Fmr. FBI Director James Comey.

Comey: Well, as you know I am the former Director of the FBI.  I’ve just written a book that’s a best seller.  As to the collusion question, I can’t say that there was but I can’t say that there wasn’t.  But it’s possible that there was.

Anderson: It’s possible that there was.  Thank you, James.

James: You’re welcome.  I’m an author now.

Anderson: We know. So, maybe it was just a slip.  But is there evidence of that happening to the president often? For more on the condition of the president, let’s go to the president’s former personal physician.  Sir, what is your take on the president’s fart?

President’s Fmr. Physician: As a private physician I’m held to a patient/doctor confidentiality oath, but I can tell you that it is my understanding that the president had Mexican food for lunch that day. Of course, he probably had a generous helping of refried beans. And if you’re from Texas you know that refried beans can cause gas.

Anderson: So, is the president is subject to farting a lot?

Physician: Again, that’s touching on doctor/patient confidentiality, but I can say that before he fired me that as one becomes older, bodily functions are more difficult to control.

Anderson: So, what you’re saying is that he is having as much problem controlling his bodily functions as he is in controlling the White House?

Physician: Possibly.

Anderson: At this point, I have to wonder if there should be a special investigative committee created to investigate this incident? Word is that Mueller might be out of a job soon.

Adam Schiff: Well, I think we’d have trouble finding anyone who’s qualified to be on the committee who’s not already on some special investigative committee.

Anderson: That’s a good point. I was just handed a note. It seems we have just received an update that one of our reporters is at the restaurant where the president had lunch.  Let’s go there now to CNN’s John King.

John King: Yes.  I have spoken with a friend who was not at the restaurant at the time, but did have lunch there several weeks ago.  He says that while he was there, he witnessed a cook for the restaurant who was taking a break.  He says that the cook was speaking Spanish so he wasn’t sure what was being said, but that he sounded a lot like an illegal alien.

Anderson: That does put a new slant on things.  It could well be that the president was creating another argument for building the border wall by insinuating that illegals are making the beans more potent in order to disrupt meetings and embarrass American citizens.

King: Also, I might mention that at one time it sounded like the cook said the word, Hillary, but I could be mistaken. I think we can discount that she had any involvement in this situation.

Anderson: Of course, you’re right.  She’s a sweet lady who would never stoop so low as to plant gaseous beans in the president’s lunch. We even want to apologize that her name came up in this newscast.

Comey: I’m an author now.

Anderson: Yes, James.

Anthony Scaramucci: To get back on topic, from a communications perspective, the fart is really open for interpretation.  If it was a long, loud lingering fart, smelly and repulsive it would be saying something completely different than if it were a short, sort of popping sound.

Anderson: I see what you mean.

Scaramucci: The longer the fart, the more articulate the message that is being conveyed.

Sanders: Since nobody has asked me a question, I’ll just butt in.

Anderson: Oh, yes, Bernie, we forgot that you were here.

Sanders: As far as I’m concerned, and I know that I speak for the rest of America, it was just another example of the capitalistic agenda.  If this had been a fair and impartial meeting, the president would have allowed everyone else at the meeting to have the opportunity of farting. And if someone didn’t have enough gas at the time, others should have shared their farts with those who couldn’t.  You and I both know that the president has enough gas to have allowed everyone to fart on him! It was a capitalistic fart!

Anderson: Thank you, Bernie. Well, I see that we’re out of time on this subject. But, it’s certain that we need to know more about this situation and I can assure America that as the world’s #1 news station, we have not heard the last of the president’s fart. For real news that matters, stay with CNN.

Comey: I used to be…

Anderson: We know, James. Goodnight.

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